This Mom Thing. #BecauseofHim

Some days I think, "I'm totally nailing this mom thing." And some days I think, "who put me in charge? Seriously? Who thought this was a good idea...I'm sure it wasn't me."

Some days I think it's hilarious and delightful that my purse/diaper bag squeaks when I walk (Sophie the Giraffe). Sometimes I find it incredibly depressing. 

Some days I think the thankless-ness of motherhood (at this age at least) is noble and sweet. Some days I get truly offended when all Zeph says is, "DaDa!"

Some days I look in the mirror and am amazed at how my body is 100% utilitarian and that makes it beautiful. Somedays I look in the mirror and a sad little two-note tune rings in my head. "Wha wha."

Some days I don't think of myself hardly at all and it's glorious. And some days I'm a tad bitter I don't have more time for me. 

Some days I think, "I'm going to be the best mom ever today!" And some days I think, "let's just hang on until 7:00pm."

Some days I'm productive and industrious and down right incredible! Some days I do the minimum. 

Some days I think about how wonderful my life is and how blessed my family and I are, and will continuously be, that I get to be a stay at home mom. Some days I think my life is head-bangingly boring. 

Some days I let arguments and tiffs roll off my back as if it were greased. Some days, "Hello," said the wrong way is a fight. 

Some days I love my role. Some days I wonder how I'll do it for years to come and I feel trapped.  

What I'm saying is that being a mother, wife, and homemaker is not always lovely. Sometimes it's messy. And not messy in a, "how did sweet potatoes get in Zeph's ear AND my ear?" way, though there is that too. But messy in an, "I'm not qualified to be in charge of two additional humans' well being. I will surely cause emotional scaring" kind of way. 

But at the end of every. single. day, when I use my hand to brush Zeph's soft hair, or he pats my back after he's dive bombed to give me a hug, or when we eat dinner as a family, or when Joe and I laugh over the same thing, I am full of gratitude for my little family and our wonderful life. And it's all #BecauseofHim. Every bit. Even the days when it's rough. Because at the end of those hard days, because of Him, the next day I get to try harder to be better. And isn't that incredible?

The App that Saved Me

...from illiteracy. 

Since Zeph was born a year ago (a year ago!) I think I have read four and a half books--and two of them were complete and total fluff. Which, for me, is quite sad. It truly felt like something was missing from my life when for so many months I was too tired, or too caught up, or too lazy to read. There would be many a night where, after putting Zeph to bed, I would sink on the couch looking like a disheveled Norman Rockwell character, but ready to read...only to remember my book was upstairs by my bed. And I'd think, "Oh, never mind." 

Enter the Kindle app on my phone! Which is convienently in my pocket at all times! And the Seattle Public Library (great library) who lends ebooks! And my old library card! Which never expires! 

In two weeks I've read three and a half books. I keep thinking to myself, "This feels so good. This feels so good. I love being excited to read." It does. I do. 

A boy and his dog

I saved this toy dog (and his Sesame Street friends) from a box of Joe's old toys. It is Zeph's most beloved possession. He carries it around everywhere. Even when he's army crawling. Even when he's eating. He bangs it. He perches it. He inspects it. He licks it. He throws it. He loves it. 

It's a Gamble

The mom-version of gambling: how long do I have before he pees?

Ice Pick

Google Chrome didn't auto-fill in my own blog name when I typed it in the URL box this morning. Guess it's been longer than I thought.

Truth be told I've been wondering how to re-start blogging. Just jumping in felt wrong. Doing a catch-all post felt overwhelming.

Ice, consider yourself broken.

Stream of Conscience

On our last day of living in Seattle I discovered three things:

1) The fastest way home from Costco. 

2) There was a Bank of America less than a mile away from our house the entire time. 

3) It's a huge relief to move out of the inner city.

Do you like how I did that? Just slipped in that we moved from Seattle? We did. We live in South Carolina now.

Speaking of not living in Seattle...the other night Joe and I left to go pick up BBQ take-out while Joe's mom watched Zeph. I was already in yoga pants (it was Saturday, so by already I mean I probably wore them all day) and was planning to put on my Chacos and call it good enough. I asked Joe if it was ok and he said something like, "ummm...you're in the South. People don't dress like that here." 

Oh that's right. I left the birthplace of grunge for the land of Belles. Real pants are no longer optional. 

Speaking of welcome to the South...our first week here Zeph got himself 12 mosquito bites. At the same time. All on his head. I hope he can survive the loss of blood to the brain...and inhaling Raid. 

(Zeph's stroller is especially attractive to the mosquitoes. It now permanently smells like repellent.)

Speaking of Zeph...you'll be hard pressed to find a happier baby.  He smiles and giggles all day long. If you look at him, he thinks its hilarious. You touch his belly? Peals of laughter. Bite his fingers or toes? Gleeful hysteria. In this video he is just plain manic.

Speaking of a laughing baby...When Zeph wakes up in the morning he stays in bed for 10 minutes laughing and talking to himself, just happy to be alive. Sometimes I hear him laughing and talking to himself in the middle of the night. This kid is something else. 

(This is how I find Zeph every single morning.)

Speaking of something else...something else Zeph does that's adorable is he beams and thumps his right leg and flails his arms whenever someone gives him attention or he sees a full bottle. Ol' Thumper here especially loves to kick is foot against the hard plastic of his car seat. His heels are constantly bruised and cut from all of his kicking antics. 

(Beaming.)

Speaking of a bottle of warm milk...A sleeping baby is one of the most content feelings in the world. At night when I've put Zeph into his crib sometimes I think, "There. I did it. I kept another human being alive and happy for another day. Good work." 

(Both asleep. I thought I was the one who needed a nap.)

Speaking of work...I no longer have to work as Joe's secretary. Lets all breathe a sigh of relief. 

Speaking of sighing...have you ever seen the Redwoods? They are definitely one of the most incredible sights I've ever seen. When I was a kid we had a set of children's encyclopedias and I remember seeing a picture of a car driving through a hole in the trunk of a tree. I was so amazed and wanted so badly to see those giant trees. This summer we went on a little road trip and saw the redwoods. Truly, I was in absolute awe.  I've realized the last few years that I feel the presence of God through nature more so than almost anywhere else. I guess its because in places like an untouched forest, His presence is still whole in His creations. 

Speaking of Zeph...oh we weren't speaking of Zeph? Funny how that happens. We go to the beach once a week to go on a walk, because why not? Going on walks is one of Zeph's favorite things.

Speaking of Zeph's favorite things...I was going to post a list of all of his favorites, but it deserves a post all it's own.

Speaking of blog posts...this one is long. And overdue. Long overdue and long, overdue. 

Speaking of babbling...I think the thing I miss most about Seattle is having great friends and family close. I read somewhere that women use, on average, 20,000 words a day. I can only use up so many of those on Zeph repeating the same things again and again. I very much miss having good friends to talk with.

(Our favorite Seattle friends got together for dinner and games and were kind enough to Face Time us to say hello. That's why we are friends. I cried and cried when we hung up. I wish I had a picture of Face Timing with Cali, Levin, Atlas, and my mom today.)

Speaking of saying the same things over and over...I already have my first children's book mesmerized. Dr. Suess's Circus McGurkis (the world's greatest show, on the face of the earth or wherever you go).

("Reading" books together. Actually Zeph is playing with the tag.)

Speaking of a circus...we are buying a house. Enough said.

Speaking of enough said...

If you don't find him helpful, find him funny

Zeph has had croup for the last week. If you're ever unsure just how long a week is, take care of a baby with croup. The first few days were all cuddles and naps, the last few days have been all crank and fits. 

Croup has brought back the midnight (read: 3am) feeding and I indulge because he hasn't been eating or drinking enough during the day--in fact I'm pretty sure Zeph learned to arch his back (away from a bottle or spoon), shake his head emphatically, and block his mouth with his tongue all this week. Brilliant, my child is. 

So with the second round of midnight feedings--absent the euphoric hormones--I'm noticing someone is sleeping right through all the crying (not mentioning who, exactly, is doing the crying...as it's usually a toss up). 

Last night, however, after Zeph had been crying for 20 minutes I finally went to rescue him. Zeph cried until I pushed "start" on the microwave, and like magic, he stopped. Then from the other room, muffled by the whir of the glowing microwave, I hear a voice from our bedroom that I could have sworn said, "I'll help." 

I pause the microwave and say, "What did you say, Joe Dear?" (Because when stress is high and sleep is low our sweetest dispositions come out and I become "Darling," and he becomes "Joe Dear.")

Dear repeats himself, "Pavlov."

*Joe Dear insists I say some creative liscence was taken during the writing of this blog. But that would be lying. Silly Joe Dear.