This Mom Thing. #BecauseofHim

Some days I think, "I'm totally nailing this mom thing." And some days I think, "who put me in charge? Seriously? Who thought this was a good idea...I'm sure it wasn't me."

Some days I think it's hilarious and delightful that my purse/diaper bag squeaks when I walk (Sophie the Giraffe). Sometimes I find it incredibly depressing. 

Some days I think the thankless-ness of motherhood (at this age at least) is noble and sweet. Some days I get truly offended when all Zeph says is, "DaDa!"

Some days I look in the mirror and am amazed at how my body is 100% utilitarian and that makes it beautiful. Somedays I look in the mirror and a sad little two-note tune rings in my head. "Wha wha."

Some days I don't think of myself hardly at all and it's glorious. And some days I'm a tad bitter I don't have more time for me. 

Some days I think, "I'm going to be the best mom ever today!" And some days I think, "let's just hang on until 7:00pm."

Some days I'm productive and industrious and down right incredible! Some days I do the minimum. 

Some days I think about how wonderful my life is and how blessed my family and I are, and will continuously be, that I get to be a stay at home mom. Some days I think my life is head-bangingly boring. 

Some days I let arguments and tiffs roll off my back as if it were greased. Some days, "Hello," said the wrong way is a fight. 

Some days I love my role. Some days I wonder how I'll do it for years to come and I feel trapped.  

What I'm saying is that being a mother, wife, and homemaker is not always lovely. Sometimes it's messy. And not messy in a, "how did sweet potatoes get in Zeph's ear AND my ear?" way, though there is that too. But messy in an, "I'm not qualified to be in charge of two additional humans' well being. I will surely cause emotional scaring" kind of way. 

But at the end of every. single. day, when I use my hand to brush Zeph's soft hair, or he pats my back after he's dive bombed to give me a hug, or when we eat dinner as a family, or when Joe and I laugh over the same thing, I am full of gratitude for my little family and our wonderful life. And it's all #BecauseofHim. Every bit. Even the days when it's rough. Because at the end of those hard days, because of Him, the next day I get to try harder to be better. And isn't that incredible?

The App that Saved Me

...from illiteracy. 

Since Zeph was born a year ago (a year ago!) I think I have read four and a half books--and two of them were complete and total fluff. Which, for me, is quite sad. It truly felt like something was missing from my life when for so many months I was too tired, or too caught up, or too lazy to read. There would be many a night where, after putting Zeph to bed, I would sink on the couch looking like a disheveled Norman Rockwell character, but ready to read...only to remember my book was upstairs by my bed. And I'd think, "Oh, never mind." 

Enter the Kindle app on my phone! Which is convienently in my pocket at all times! And the Seattle Public Library (great library) who lends ebooks! And my old library card! Which never expires! 

In two weeks I've read three and a half books. I keep thinking to myself, "This feels so good. This feels so good. I love being excited to read." It does. I do. 

A boy and his dog

I saved this toy dog (and his Sesame Street friends) from a box of Joe's old toys. It is Zeph's most beloved possession. He carries it around everywhere. Even when he's army crawling. Even when he's eating. He bangs it. He perches it. He inspects it. He licks it. He throws it. He loves it. 

It's a Gamble

The mom-version of gambling: how long do I have before he pees?

Ice Pick

Google Chrome didn't auto-fill in my own blog name when I typed it in the URL box this morning. Guess it's been longer than I thought.

Truth be told I've been wondering how to re-start blogging. Just jumping in felt wrong. Doing a catch-all post felt overwhelming.

Ice, consider yourself broken.

Stream of Conscience

On our last day of living in Seattle I discovered three things:

1) The fastest way home from Costco. 

2) There was a Bank of America less than a mile away from our house the entire time. 

3) It's a huge relief to move out of the inner city.

Do you like how I did that? Just slipped in that we moved from Seattle? We did. We live in South Carolina now.

Speaking of not living in Seattle...the other night Joe and I left to go pick up BBQ take-out while Joe's mom watched Zeph. I was already in yoga pants (it was Saturday, so by already I mean I probably wore them all day) and was planning to put on my Chacos and call it good enough. I asked Joe if it was ok and he said something like, "ummm...you're in the South. People don't dress like that here." 

Oh that's right. I left the birthplace of grunge for the land of Belles. Real pants are no longer optional. 

Speaking of welcome to the South...our first week here Zeph got himself 12 mosquito bites. At the same time. All on his head. I hope he can survive the loss of blood to the brain...and inhaling Raid. 

(Zeph's stroller is especially attractive to the mosquitoes. It now permanently smells like repellent.)

Speaking of Zeph...you'll be hard pressed to find a happier baby.  He smiles and giggles all day long. If you look at him, he thinks its hilarious. You touch his belly? Peals of laughter. Bite his fingers or toes? Gleeful hysteria. In this video he is just plain manic.

Speaking of a laughing baby...When Zeph wakes up in the morning he stays in bed for 10 minutes laughing and talking to himself, just happy to be alive. Sometimes I hear him laughing and talking to himself in the middle of the night. This kid is something else. 

(This is how I find Zeph every single morning.)

Speaking of something else...something else Zeph does that's adorable is he beams and thumps his right leg and flails his arms whenever someone gives him attention or he sees a full bottle. Ol' Thumper here especially loves to kick is foot against the hard plastic of his car seat. His heels are constantly bruised and cut from all of his kicking antics. 

(Beaming.)

Speaking of a bottle of warm milk...A sleeping baby is one of the most content feelings in the world. At night when I've put Zeph into his crib sometimes I think, "There. I did it. I kept another human being alive and happy for another day. Good work." 

(Both asleep. I thought I was the one who needed a nap.)

Speaking of work...I no longer have to work as Joe's secretary. Lets all breathe a sigh of relief. 

Speaking of sighing...have you ever seen the Redwoods? They are definitely one of the most incredible sights I've ever seen. When I was a kid we had a set of children's encyclopedias and I remember seeing a picture of a car driving through a hole in the trunk of a tree. I was so amazed and wanted so badly to see those giant trees. This summer we went on a little road trip and saw the redwoods. Truly, I was in absolute awe.  I've realized the last few years that I feel the presence of God through nature more so than almost anywhere else. I guess its because in places like an untouched forest, His presence is still whole in His creations. 

Speaking of Zeph...oh we weren't speaking of Zeph? Funny how that happens. We go to the beach once a week to go on a walk, because why not? Going on walks is one of Zeph's favorite things.

Speaking of Zeph's favorite things...I was going to post a list of all of his favorites, but it deserves a post all it's own.

Speaking of blog posts...this one is long. And overdue. Long overdue and long, overdue. 

Speaking of babbling...I think the thing I miss most about Seattle is having great friends and family close. I read somewhere that women use, on average, 20,000 words a day. I can only use up so many of those on Zeph repeating the same things again and again. I very much miss having good friends to talk with.

(Our favorite Seattle friends got together for dinner and games and were kind enough to Face Time us to say hello. That's why we are friends. I cried and cried when we hung up. I wish I had a picture of Face Timing with Cali, Levin, Atlas, and my mom today.)

Speaking of saying the same things over and over...I already have my first children's book mesmerized. Dr. Suess's Circus McGurkis (the world's greatest show, on the face of the earth or wherever you go).

("Reading" books together. Actually Zeph is playing with the tag.)

Speaking of a circus...we are buying a house. Enough said.

Speaking of enough said...

If you don't find him helpful, find him funny

Zeph has had croup for the last week. If you're ever unsure just how long a week is, take care of a baby with croup. The first few days were all cuddles and naps, the last few days have been all crank and fits. 

Croup has brought back the midnight (read: 3am) feeding and I indulge because he hasn't been eating or drinking enough during the day--in fact I'm pretty sure Zeph learned to arch his back (away from a bottle or spoon), shake his head emphatically, and block his mouth with his tongue all this week. Brilliant, my child is. 

So with the second round of midnight feedings--absent the euphoric hormones--I'm noticing someone is sleeping right through all the crying (not mentioning who, exactly, is doing the crying...as it's usually a toss up). 

Last night, however, after Zeph had been crying for 20 minutes I finally went to rescue him. Zeph cried until I pushed "start" on the microwave, and like magic, he stopped. Then from the other room, muffled by the whir of the glowing microwave, I hear a voice from our bedroom that I could have sworn said, "I'll help." 

I pause the microwave and say, "What did you say, Joe Dear?" (Because when stress is high and sleep is low our sweetest dispositions come out and I become "Darling," and he becomes "Joe Dear.")

Dear repeats himself, "Pavlov."

*Joe Dear insists I say some creative liscence was taken during the writing of this blog. But that would be lying. Silly Joe Dear. 

Charlotte

It's spider season in our house and they are busy weaving inside and out. I've left their webs in place and have been checking them periodically because I'm just sure I'll find, "Some Woman" written in spider silk. "Terrific" or "Radiant" would also do.

No luck yet. But I'm keeping the webs around just in case a spider starts feeling complimentary.

Which really just means I haven't cleaned my corners in while.

Life in My World...

...Is basically trying to keep that hat in place.

Mom's Visit

My mom left yesterday after spending a week with us. She was amazing. She cooked, cleaned, organized, did ALL of my laundry, did months worth of ironing, and brought me water every time I sat down to nurse. She burped, held, bathed, rocked, and loved Zeph. She even slept on the floor of his nursery his first night in his crib because I was nervous. She woke up with every feeding and kept me company. She visited and visited and visited with me. She hugged me when I cried and told me to take a nap. She showed so much love through her service. Zeph is lucky to have her as a grandma. I'm incredibly lucky to have her as a mom. I have finally started to understand just how much she loves me. I'm blown away that I get to be to Zeph what she is to me.

An Introduction

Introducing Joseph

March 27, 2013

6lb 9oz

Perfect.

All Aboard!

I'm a riddle in nine syllables,

An elephant, a ponderous house,

A melon strolling on two tendrils.

O red fruit, ivory, fine timbers!

The loaf's big with its yeasty rising.

Money's new-minted in this fat purse.

I'm a means, a stage, a cow in calf.

I've eaten a bag of green apples, 

Boarded the train there's no getting off.

-Sylvia Plath

That last line, "Boarded the train there's no getting off," has been running through my head over and over the last nine months; when I was morning sick, when I get overwhelmed, when I think about the pain that is coming, and especially when I realize I have a lifetime of service ahead of me. There are so few decisions to be made that can't be undone that it's really quite frightening to realize that there really is no getting off of this train. 

Here's to hoping that everyone else on this ride that swears by the journey and destination aren't crazy.

Chinese Food

Joe and I were just having a discussion about one of his favorite Chinese restaurants that went something like this:

J: "That place is so delicious."

A: "That place is gross. The meat is shady...call me crazy, but I'm not a fan of chewing on pieces of neck, gristle, and giant chunks of unknown fat."

J: "Whatever. You wouldn't know good Chinese food if it hit you in the face with a rat."

A Dose of Cheerful

If you read this blog, you might know that my blogger friend, Charlotte, drove up to Seattle with the sole intention of us meeting after years of mutual blog stalking and commenting. Nothing puts a spring in your step like someone who wants to be your friend even before they meet you.

Charlotte and Asher were absolutely delightful.  Charlotte is an easy and pleasant conversationalist. It was so nice to have girl talk with someone who enjoys Harry Potter, marriage, family, great writing, good TV, stretchy pants, and being a home body just as much as I do—kindred spirits indeed. She was incredibly gracious and kind, and cheered me up considerably. And Asher smiles and peeps every time you even glance at him--it's hard to not love a baby like Asher.

Staying in and chatting for an evening and then taking a stroll around the market (while eating treats of course) with a friend like Charlotte was just what January ordered to help beat the blues. 

Don't Be Our Guest

It's a guest who comes to your house and:

:: points out all of the corners that need swept

:: reminds you the garage isn't organized

:: leaves the door open and makes the entire house cold

:: says things like, "Are you sure you should eat that?"

:: draws attention to your shortcomings

:: forgets to mention that you're at least trying

:: gives you judgy eyes

:: has a gloomy aura 

:: tracks mud and water onto your floors

:: and on top of everything else, is ugly

Which is to say, "January, you've overstayed your welcome."

Speaking of...

• Oranges and milk have been my only legitimate cravings. I had to start limiting myself to two oranges a day.
• Speaking of limiting...I thought I had pretty good self control until Joe put two pounds of Lindor chocolates in my Christmas stocking. Turns out I was wrong.
• Speaking of food...over the last year I happened to read quite a number of food related non-fiction books. My favorites were (click for reviews): The Dirty Life: On Farming, Food, and Love by Kristin Kimball, Knives at Dawn: America's Quest for Culinary Glory at the Legendary Bocuse d'Or Competion by Andrew Friedman, Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise by Ruth Reichl, and My Life in France by Julia Child.
• Speaking of books...Joe and I have been reading a myriad of children's picture books. I don't remember how this started, but we've had a great time reading a few before bed each night. Joe reviews them faithfully on goodreads (he was born to be a critic) and frequently goes over the borrowed-book limit at the library.
• Speaking of critiquing...we went over our 2012 goals tonight and began finalizing our 2013 goals. We gave ourselves a grade for each goal. I got more than one D.
• Speaking of D...I will never again underestimate the power of a good bra.
• Speaking of being pregnant...I'm pretty sure baby boy likes to do jumping jacks.
• Speaking of boy...sometimes I still think I'm having a girl. And then I look at the ultrasound pictures and am reminded it is very clearly not a girl.
• Speaking of pictures...this post needs some. 

(Here is proof I was inspired by Julia Child, especially given our limited fridge space.)

(This is the awesome pillow Joe got for me when sleeping became an issue.)

(This picture kills me. Chewie came back from the groomers with a handkerchief and a doofy looking haircut. We called him Mr. Fancy Pants for a while.) 

• Speaking of posts...did you know I write a business blog for Joe's company? I may have gotten the job out of nepotism and my mom and Cialis may be our only commenters, but, well, I do it.
• Speaking of accomplishments...I've now completed four years worth of NY Times Monday crossword puzzles. A healthy number of Tuesdays are scattered in there as well (a puzzle any later in the week and I have to start cheating). I picked up the habit when Joe and I were in Hawaii last year and his grandfather "Pop" passed away. I'd just met Pop six months before and only a few things stuck out from that visit: watching baseball while he yelled at the TV, eating sugar free Worthers, and being amazed that Pop could do the Sunday crossword without breaking a sweat.
• Speaking of Hawaii...did you know we went last year? We decided to sweeten the deal and go skydiving over the North Shore while we were at it. 

  

• Speaking of things you might not know...I have a craft room.

• Speaking of running out of things to say...

The Lesser of Two Evils

Coming up with a name for the baby has been a hot and dangerous topic between me and Joe. We each have a different name in mind, and neither of us are willing to budge. To say we've been at a standstill would be generous. Today, however, Joe looked at me during church, smiled, and handed me this note: "You can choose the name of our firstborn baby boy if I can choose the name of our firstborn girl. And don't think I won't name her Renesmee." (As in from Twilight.)

Sigh...so now I'm forced to choose between swallowing my pride (and the superior name) or praying for only sons.

No Fishing.

Today I asked Joe if my hair was ugly. He responded, "No. It is what it is."

Teaches me for fishing.

Signs It's Happening

: Joe's been making some seriously lame jokes. He thinks they are hilarious.
: We watch Jeopardy almost every night.
: The other night I asked Joe if it was time for bed yet. We looked at the clock. It was 7:45pm.

We're becoming parents.

A Good Day

Today:

• Levin came over the spend the morning with me. He and I had breakfast together, took a nap together, and played with dominoes and a stuffed dog together.

• Joe and I went to Taco Bell to get a free Doritos taco because someone stole some base in some baseball game.  Free tacos taste good.

• We found out if the baby is a boy or girl. It is unquestionably a boy. You could have knocked me down with a feather...so much for mother's intuition. I've never seen Joe in such a good mood.

Not the picture, but a good one just the same.

• We talked with every member of my family via Google+ Hangout to share the news. It was so great to see and hear everyone.

Abe is present via Skype on an iPad on my lap. Thank you Neighbor Jane for the picture.

Today was a very, very good day.