Thursday, May 12, 2011

If You Give a Bird Some Birdseed...

If you give a bird some birdseed he’ll probably really like it.

And when he really likes it he’ll probably come so often that you decide to name him “Puck.”*

And when you name him Puck, he’ll decide this new place for food is a good place to bring lots of friends.

And when that happens you’ll really enjoy watching the birds outside of your kitchen window all day long.

And because the birds like your birdseed so much, they eat it pretty quickly.

And when they eat it pretty quickly, you’ll fill it up every couple of days.

And when you start replenishing the food so often the squirrels will begin to notice.

And when the squirrels first start coming you might think they are kind of cute and fun to watch.

But then the squirrels come so often they start scaring away the birds.

And then more squirrels come.

And then one day you might see a squirrel double-fisting your birdseed.

And this might make you angry. No one likes being taken advantage of by a greedy squirrel.

So you might start to bang on the windows to scare the squirrels away.

And when you bang on the windows the squirrels will probably just run a few feet away and “hide.”

And when the squirrels “hide” you might pretend you don’t see them while you casually walk outside and turn on the hose.

And when you turn on the hose…you might spray the squirrels.

And when you spray the squirrels enough times, well, they stop coming by.

So when you give a bird some birdseed…get a hose.

*1. Because my bird-friend and Noah Puckerman have matching mohawks.

*2. And because I like Puck from Midsummer Night’s Dream.


Neighbor Jane Payne said...

I just think I might go and get me some birdseed.

(And I'll bet a squirrel would make good stew if we skinned him and stuffed him in our food pods. At least we know your dad and Joe would try it. They'll try anything.)

I love reading your posts.

Cali said...

And... that is also why you should never give a mouse a cookie. I loved this post. It had me spell bound. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next and couldn't quit laughing when I mentally pictured you casually walking outside to turn on the hose. Did you whistle while you did it. I pictured that you did. I also pictured you laughing a very deep and evil laugh as you water-logged those squirrels. Dad will be SOOOO proud.

Neighbor Jane Payne said... have more Payne blood running through you than you ever supposed.

I love reading your posts.

Deidra said...

We have a squirrel problem (due to our neighbor's unsupervised bird feeders). I've taken to the clapping to scare the squirrels into hiding but never thought about the hose! I'm so excited to drench some squirrels today! And tomorrow, and the next day...

Lynn said...

Rachel used to beat back the cackling, pecking hens and turkeys with a hose too. They hated her. Squirrels will hate you too, you'll have to beware when you walk outside that they don't outright attack you. (good stuff for nightmares, don't you think?)

Kelsey and Jon Edwards said...

Oh silly Puck!
What a clever little story. You should get an illustrator and make this a children's book. Although I think the hose blasting to the squirrels may be a bit traumatizing to the kids.

Rachel said...

Too funny! I can't stop laughing. I can see it all in my head. It brings back good memories of teaching those devil chickens a lesson. It feels good doesn't it??