Rocky died (again) last Monday. Rocky is my 1987 blue Oldsmobile. Rocky earned his name because, like the boxer, he tries so hard but can’t seem to win.
The alternator went out mid-fight.
While Rocky was at the mechanics for a week I discovered that I actually really love him, despite the cursings I often throw his way. Here are The top ten reasons I love Rocky:
1. Rocky has no rearview mirror. It broke off one day. I have no idea how or why.
2. Rocky’s leather seats are more comfortable than my bed.
3. Rocky has only one working dim light. It has become imperative I drive with my brights on at all times. I have the best visibility on the road.
4. Rocky has only one working windshield wiper. The only positive thing I found about this feature is that it’s the driver’s side wiper that works.
5. Among his other boat-like qualities, Rocky is a surprisingly smooth ride.
6. Rocky’s heater doesn’t have the standard blue slowly turning to red dial; instead he adjusts by individual degrees. If 90 degrees is too warm, he’ll quickly adjust to 88.
7. Rocky’s hood is opened by a rigged wire that sticks out of the grill by two feet. It makes a very satisfying pop when I pull it. Sadly I have to pull it quite often.
8. More boat-like qualities demand a ten point turn around. I’m always the jerk that takes forever to back out. I promise it’s not me. It’s Rocky. I also promise this is a good quality…although I’m not sure why.
9. When I went over 55 miles an hour around a curve with black ice and flew over a ditch and bounced multiple times, besides losing a grill (and obtaining feature number 7) I remained untouched.
I almost hesitate to share this next lovely fact about Rocky, but it is perhaps his most attractive feature:
10. He opens with any key, but I’ve also found these items work just as well:
- A pocket knife
- A debit card
- A pen
- (and my personal favorite that I discovered in a tense moment) the zipper on my coat…and pants.
He can also turn on and off without a key.
I’ve been looking for a car named Adrianne for years.