Monday, February 9, 2009

Just a Car and the Will to Survive

Rocky died (again) last Monday. Rocky is my 1987 blue Oldsmobile. Rocky earned his name because, like the boxer, he tries so hard but can’t seem to win.

The alternator went out mid-fight.

While Rocky was at the mechanics for a week I discovered that I actually really love him, despite the cursings I often throw his way. Here are The top ten reasons I love Rocky:

1. Rocky has no rearview mirror. It broke off one day. I have no idea how or why.

2. Rocky’s leather seats are more comfortable than my bed.

3. Rocky has only one working dim light. It has become imperative I drive with my brights on at all times. I have the best visibility on the road.

4. Rocky has only one working windshield wiper. The only positive thing I found about this feature is that it’s the driver’s side wiper that works.

5. Among his other boat-like qualities, Rocky is a surprisingly smooth ride.

6. Rocky’s heater doesn’t have the standard blue slowly turning to red dial; instead he adjusts by individual degrees. If 90 degrees is too warm, he’ll quickly adjust to 88.

7. Rocky’s hood is opened by a rigged wire that sticks out of the grill by two feet. It makes a very satisfying pop when I pull it. Sadly I have to pull it quite often.

8. More boat-like qualities demand a ten point turn around. I’m always the jerk that takes forever to back out. I promise it’s not me. It’s Rocky. I also promise this is a good quality…although I’m not sure why.

9. When I went over 55 miles an hour around a curve with black ice and flew over a ditch and bounced multiple times, besides losing a grill (and obtaining feature number 7) I remained untouched.

I almost hesitate to share this next lovely fact about Rocky, but it is perhaps his most attractive feature:

10. He opens with any key, but I’ve also found these items work just as well:

  • A pocket knife

  • A debit card

  • A pen

  • (and my personal favorite that I discovered in a tense moment) the zipper on my coat…and pants.

He can also turn on and off without a key.

I’ve been looking for a car named Adrianne for years.


Neighbor Jane Payne said...

Will you please type my eulogy when it's time and make me sound at least as good as Rocky?

He is a wonderful car. I feel safe when you're with him.

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

Forgot to mention, I LOVE the picture. Very, very creative.

melanie said...

I think my favorite part has to be....and pants! I cracked up Ande. Love this post. You are too funny. I've driven 'boat' cars before and their stories last and last.

Cassidy said...

Oh goodness. That was HILARIOUS. Oh I love old blue, or was it Bertha? Whatever Cherie and I called him. Rocky seems very fitting. The fond memories of that car. I'm glad it's treating you well! My parents used to have a car that did the temperature by degrees. I still think it's awesome. The no key thing ROCKS!

Cali said...

Ande, that was simply clever. I knew you would save the "any key or no key" for reason number 10. That's what I love most about him too. I'm so glad you two have each other.

Newsy Nibby said...

Ande. I just need you to know that I was so excited when I logged on today not only to find one new post from you but two! I love reading your blog and I want you to write my eulogy too. :)

Becka said...

I really needed that laugh! Thank you! I wish I had a car like that... actually, I just wish I had a car! My mom and I were both on the floor laughing trying to imagine what it would look like unlocking a car with your pants zipper! hahaha love it!

Emily said...

This post made me laugh and the picture to start was super clever! Ande i just think you are a gem!

Renny said...

I was thoroughly impressed with Rocky this weekend. And I think an Adrienne would be a cute, quiet, unassuming car, so no loud colors. But her interior would be awesome. (perhaps a sweet sound system?)